I WISH I WOULD HAVE SAID THIS SOONER 

AS A YOUTH PASTOR, I wish I would have said this sooner: parents and guardians, share with me the good things about your child—especially when they are present. 

During my work alongside students and their families for over a decade, I've noticed something toxic happening: parents publicly making off-handed remarks about their child—specifically to me, unsolicited and after I've praised their child. I know their intention is not to harm them; usually, it's to bond with me. However, whether these comments originate from the subconscious, out of habit, or are intended to enlighten me, they're not helpful nor affirm your child's journey.

When I say subconscious, I believe some parents are harboring insecurity about their parenting capabilities. Criticism is the safest and most convenient approach to communicate "that's not how we raised them!" And because these parents value my opinion, they're nervous about what I might think of their child's dirty car. So they critique them in front of me, unwittingly sowing seeds of pressure, doubt, and insecurity within their offspring's heart. (Side note: I counsel students from multiple socioeconomic backgrounds who regularly vocalize feelings of emotional stress related to overwhelming expectations and/or rejection.)

As for habit, some parents experienced criticism as the model in their household growing up. Now it feels comfortable—and they're oblivious to dysfunction informing their parenting philosophy. Regrettably, these parents were trained to believe criticism "joking around" (without boundaries) is actually an expression of love. Out of love habit, they perpetuate the cycle by belittling their child publicly. (This requires damage control as I affirm the student that my confidence in them has not been corrupted).

Then there is enlightenment. For my "protection," parents describe the indiscretions of their child in an attempt to prevent the "wool from being pulled over my eyes." They talk about their child's waning academic performance and/or disrespectful behavior at home, etc. Using passive-aggressive language, these parents suggest that their child needs to be "fixed"—so they'll be dropping them off at youth group. Pro-tip: your child isn't broken in the way you think; also, the "church" doesn't exist for behavioral modification.

Regardless of the reason, these seemingly innocuous character assassinations undermine a parent's connection with their child, cheapen love, and create division. 

Parents and guardians, please know that we, as youth workers, coaches, and teachers, are aware of your child's faults. Regardless, we're actively choosing to love your child beyond their performance—beyond where they've been and who they might become. We are going to love them in the mess of life. For it's in the mess that we witness what is often concealed from you—amazing things by the way—which we're attempting to share with you, these unseen fruits of your labor.

We ask: please trust us when we brag on your child. Just say, "Thank you." (We don't need to know they didn't take out the trash.) Yes, we agree: respect and responsibility within the home are essential. However, let us believe the best about your child and act on that belief. And give yourself some grace. Know that we're not expecting you to be the ideal Pinterest parent—that junk ain't real. So in this season, listen to the wisdom, of (now professor) Matthew McConaughey, when he says that everything is going to be alright, alright, alright.